Sitting Alone at 4:00 am,

A quiet time to sit and cry, silently, tears running down my face, neck and chest.  What a lot of water and salt.

Still here

Working on grant proposals, K practicing for the SAT. Christmas tree lit. First Christmas at home. Very nice.

Just writing a post

Been quite a while. Its summer now and way too hot.

Christmas

Sorry I've just been writing when extremely frustrated or depressed lately. Life is not that bad. Its actually wonderful. Wildly stressful, but what else is new? We're at my sister's in Boston, all in one cramped house, too many people, still on overdrive about feeling a need to work all the time. K and I will check into fancy hotel the day after tomorrow, and have some free time in the city.

Time for Change

Its been a tough semester, 4 months without a day off. Am burnt out, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Can't continue this without losing all else that matters in life? Will have to write more. The teaching was wonderful. Loved the students.

We did not celebrate my birthday this year. It looks like we will not celebrate Thanksgiving either. Christmas, maybe not. Maybe I will just send K and stay home myself. I had a fine day today, with the exception of a rocky start . . . K furious when I asked her to pick up some trash she had left on the counter, then stomping off to school with only a contemptuous gesture to mark farewell. And a rocky end . . . anger again at the thought I might have invited someone to join us for Thanksgiving. A student whose mother can't afford to send him bus fare home for the holiday. I hadn't invited him, just was mentioning the story because I'd remembered it.



I told K, when I was a child my mother would ask me why I was so shy. I ask my own child why she is so selfish. I had no answer for my mother, about my shyness. It crippled me. K probably has no idea why she is so selfish. She hates other people. She hates being told what to do. She hates anything I enjoy. Sad. I'd like to have a warm, welcoming home. I'd like to make room for other people. I'm ready to stand and make a difference in the lives of others . . . and K is standing here with a sword to cut my legs off.



I'd always thought having a daughter would be having someone to share life with, share what I know, nurture someone. . . . that'd I show her "this is how we do things". "this is what I've learned so far . . . take it, and go with it". Instead, I've got something else. We talked briefly about genetics the other morning. How half one's DNA comes from one's mother. The other half from one's father. She cut me off, telling me she hoped she had none of her father's DNA . . . but there it is . . . in the selfishness. Will she outgrow it? Like I outgrew the shyness? I hated being shy. She seems to be just fine living for herself.

My Retirement Plan

As a low-income, single parent I do not expect to have much in the way of resources when I retire. My plan, when I am finished with work, is to head out into the open ocean in a small boat, with cinderblocks attached to my ankles. Once out of sight of land, I will pull a plug in the bottom, and go down.

It is very quiet. Nothing but the hum of the fridge and the dripping of the faucet in the kitchen. Karli is mad at me and has locked herself in her room. She left the gift she had made for me shredded on my bed. Mad because I got angry at her . . . worn down by the constant battle to try to make her happy . . . and I'm losing ground. She has not been happy, maybe ever. I'm still working on my lectures. Today is my birthday. My extended family had a big dinner and a cake in my honor (I'm sure they must have been doing that anyway) and called leaving a singing birthday message on the answering machine. Nice to know there was a party. Life continues to be strange, beautiful, sometimes lonely, sometimes not.

One of the cats crapped in the dryer

Fired them all. Good thing I noticed before throwing in load of wet clothes and turning it on.

More advice for the lonely scientist: stupid girl questions

An about to graduate PhD. came to me yesterday to unburden his heart and complain about his wife of one year. "How do I deal with Stupid Girl Questions?"
What question is it?
"What would you do if I died?"
Tell her you would be heart broken
"I told her I don't know"
Tell her you would grieve for the rest of your life
"but then she'll ask "but then what would you do?"
She wants to know that you love her, she has a hard time reading your expressionless face, she's looking for reassurance. Tell her you love her, its just that Texas guys don't do emotions the same way Vietnamese people do. Ask her what she would do if you died. Make some kind of plan to meet in the afterlife. Some plan to find each other in the future, no matter what.

Make sure you maintain your relationships or you may end up getting "stood up" in eternity, while she goes off with the other boyfriend. That'd be a bummer.

A former screwy kid, not in the least repentent . . .

I painted the trim in the kitchen yesterday, and put in new plate covers for my outlets and switches. It looks great! But . . . this morning, when I plugged in my coffee pot I broke the cover on the outlet. Back to Home Depot for a higher quality plate. This is kind of like having a big doll house (built one of those myself from plywood, and did little shingles and all kinds of cool stuff that was probably incredibly geeky, because I know most other girls were moving the little people around their doll houses, and managing their social lives . . . and here I am, still at it.)

My dog has sensitive skin

The vet has told me this is how dogs express their allergies. We get runny noses and watery eyes, and they itch all over. He advised giving her a little Benedryl and told me it doesn't effect dogs like people (that stuff will knock me out cold). So, noticing she was scratching last night, and chewing on her feet, I gave her some, in a little peice of butter . . . and then got busy with other tasks, and forgot about it. After a while I noticed she looked kind of "out of it", not like her usual ready-for-an-opportunity self, her ears stuck out from the side of her head in a droopy arch, like twin wilted bananas. Forgetting the Benedryl, I thought she might have to "go" or something, so I opened the door to let her out. Normally, she won't "go" out alone (she's a girl dog, after all), but she staggered out into the yard and then flopped over on her back, legs in the air. I let her be for a little while, but, worried about the heat, and the possibility of a sun burn on her exposed underside, and her vulnerability to mosquitos, I dragged her back inside. She's better this morning . . . chewing her feet.

Recovery, and appreciation for Frog and Toad

Dear Colleague Now Returned to Home Country,

University of Further North has offered me a position as an adjunct professor. They want me to teach two classes . . . one in biology and the other is more like a philosophy class, I'm not sure I understand exactly what they want. They also want me to stay working with Very Famous Professor for another year. He was in a bad mood today. I could tell even though he is currently in Country Half the World Away.
Amazing how moods travel across the globe. I had asked for his advice and he was angry about all the things I should have accomplished and haven't. That is why I am sitting on my couch now complaining to you instead of working on a manuscript, which is probably what I should be doing. I should be happy with this news, but I cried earlier and called my mother. She said Very Famous Professor is a jerk. It does't really matter what she says, sometimes its just good to talk to your mom.

Have your kids read the "Frog and Toad" books? They are very sweet, wise and gentle and about friendship.

Huncamunca

Last Word: If you put people down and tell them they are a huge disappointment they will rarely stay up all night working for you. This doesn't help you accomplish your goals, and it doesn't get them anywhere either.

Creating room of one's own, Virginia

I've stuck an AdSense thing on my blog. Just wanted to see what would happen, and I am getting lots of ads for dating services. Hmmmm. I'm going to have to write less about that sort of thing and see what comes up next. K is at Summer Camp. I hope she is doing well. She cried non-stop (at least during the 3 calls I got a day during that time) for a week, and now seems to have settled into loneliness and longing for home. Hard to know what's really going on. I hope she is benefitting at least from the chance to observe other people doing different things and having fun, even if she doesn't speak to anyone or do anything herself. I hope I have done the right thing.

Other news, her father has fathered another child, and so her social security check will be cut in half. This will really throw a wrench in our works. I got pretty upset about it since he is quite well off, doesn't pay court-ordered child support, and doesn't need to take half her money away. When K was born her dad's mother gave a gift of several thousand dollars. He kept it. The check had been written out to him after all. It is not worth getting bent out of shape over. I have my wonderful life and my beautiful, intense and twisted child, who I hope will grow up to be happy, if not exactly normal. The lesson, I am reminding myself, is "Don't count on anyone else to fulfill their responsibilities. Count on yourself. If you meet someone kind and generous enjoy them, that's great. But count on yourself."

The title of this post is a remembrance of Virginia Wolff's A Room of One's Own, read in college, and something I didn't really understand at the time. Do-it-yourselves.

"Hatred Said to Motivate Shooter" Thanks Karl, George, Dick

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/28/us/28shooting.html?hp

Onward Liberal Soldiers

Dating Advice Column for the Lonely Scientist

Dear Mad Scientist,

I have not been out on a date since my sister fixed me up with her roommate's cousin in our undergrad days. I've been invited to the movies by a non-scientist male from an appropriate demographic. I'd like to know if it would be considered rude to bring my laptop so I can work on a PowerPoint presentation for an upcoming seminar during "Batman too" or whatever it is people are interested in these days.

I tend to make a lot of typos when I type at high speed with only one hand, so how should I handle (fend off?) attempts at "intimacy?" Is it OK to use elbows, if done gently and with a certain amount of grace?

Thanks for any advice you might offer.

Lonely Scientist

The way things go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U82eWptFxSs&NR=1

This illustrates how I feel about my life just at this point in time.

Empathy and the lack thereof

I laughed seeing this post: http://scienceblogs.com/neurophilosophy/2008/07/peta_offers_to_scan_sharon_stone_for_brain_damage.php
Where PETA has offered to have Sharon Stone's brain scanned for prefrontal underdevelopment or damage. That was very kind of them.

But this led me to think of my daughter's father, who had some pretty severe issues (diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia by one professional, anti-social/schizoid personality disorder by another . . . I would say that the severity of what ever class of illness he belonged in would depend on how much stress he was under at the time . . . and the things that stressed him out were not what would normally be considered stressful, such as having to talk to more than one person at a time, or going to the grocery store). I never saw his personality as mean, even when he was screaming at me, and spattering me with saliva. He was simply struggling to maintain control of his world and that was impossible. but something was clearly missing . . . and maybe it was a large chunk of prefrontal lobe. He doesn't pay child support, doesn't write, visit etc. But I've been reading that 20% of white men don't pay court ordered childsupport so that doesn't make that aspect of our lives that unusual. I don't know about the no contact part. He might be deceased anyway. But I worry about my daughter every time I see some sign of insensitivity.

Being alone

I've had a younger man interested in me. This is the first time this has ever happened. He thinks I'm only a few years older, but the truth is closer to 10. He's a nice guy, good sense of humor, laughs easily, energetic, likes to go out and do things, try new stuff. He's willing to extend himself for my kid, taking us to the movies, taking me to meet his friends, coming out with us and my co-workers to the 4th of July celebrations on Thursday, coming over to my house to grill outside, play dominos and watch a silly movie. And I haven't done more with him than hold his hand, which really didn't feel right, and I let it go as soon as I gracefully could. I just can't do the romantic bit with him. I told him so much last night, after the domino game ended and we went out to walk the dog. Told him I enjoyed his company, had a great time, liked having him around, but that I couldn't do the romantic bit. "I just can't, its not you, you're fine" I also told him I could be his friend for a while, but that he would need to move on, need to have a family and I pointed out that I'm older than he is and can't do that (have more children), that my time for that has passed." I walked him to his car and hugged him. He spoke to my ear: "you don't have to be alone, you know".

Insomnia again and again

I've been struggling with this for months now, and have come in to work barely able to walk upright. My boss, Very Famous Scientist, looked at me and told me I should wear lipstick and a little make up.

In this day and age! Plus ca change.